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Why I Treat Dating Like Applying for a Job and Why It Makes Dating With Purpose Easy
Dating with a Purpose
Many women who complain about men. And dating men. And men. And more dating, and then more complaining about men.
Dating is rough. Dating is also hard, time consuming, and exhausting.
But, you CAN make dating fun. And you CAN learn how to have fewer BAD dates and more GOOD dates.
Want to know the trick? Treat dating like applying for a new job. Yes – dating is like applying to jobs. It’s a process. It’s work. You have to be disciplined, and not give up.
Here are 15 (and a half!) steps to dating successfully, all with a job search mentality in mind. The result? You'll have fewer bad dates and meet amazing men.
15 Steps to Dating with a Purpose to Find the Right Man
Follow these steps to date purposely to find a great man.
1. Know What You Want to Get from Dating
Before you jump into dating, determine what you want to get out of it.
What’s your purpose?
- Do you want to get married within the next two years?
- Do you want to go on one or two dates, and then have sex?
- Do you want a free meal?
- Do you want to meet new people, and if it turns into a relationship, then great?
Before you dive in, figure out what you want. It’s the same for applying to jobs.
Figure out your objective with dating. Know what you want, and you will save yourself time.
2. Determine Your 3 Top Criteria
Notice that we did not say “all your criteria,” but rather your top three criteria. When applying to jobs, you consider your top criteria, right? Maybe it was things like salary, job location, and title.
When you apply to jobs, you likely know what you care about the most. Do this with dating too!
For example, here are the top dating criteria that you may have for the men you date:
- Wants to have kids
- Has a warm, outgoing personality
- Makes you feel taken care of
Keep your top criteria simple and basic.
Tip: Focus on How a Man Makes You Feel
In the book , "Meeting Your Half-Orange" the key theme is that it's more important to focus on how a guy makes you feel versus his characteristics, hobbies, interests, or personality traits.
So don’t get too hung up if a guy doesn’t love traveling, or isn’t into going to museums.
Instead, focus on how you want to feel with a guy. Do you want to feel loved? Sexy? Cherished? Keep this in mind while dating.
3. Know What You Don’t Want
When looking for a new job, you probably have a list of what you don't want, right?
It may be that you don't take a job unless it pays at least 5% more than your current salary, or that you won't take a job if the commute is more than 45 minutes.
Focus on what you don’t want, and you'll discover new possibilities.
Too many women get hung up on what they want in a man, which makes them weed out many amazing, great men too early in the dating process.
Change your frame of reference, and you may end up falling for an amazing man who you would have never considered.
For example, here’s what your old list of dating criteria may have looked like:
- I want a guy that will play tennis or volleyball with me.
- I want a guy who is liberal.
- I want a guy that makes good $$$ - at least my salary or better.
- I want a guy that is sociable and outgoing.
- I want a guy who is physically fit.
- I want a guy that loves dancing too.
But after further analysis, you may realize these things aren't deal-breakers.
Instead of focusing on what you DO want, focus on what you DON’T want. Here’s how you may reframe your dating criteria.
|Old Mindset – What I Want||New Mindset – What I DON’T Want|
|I want a guy that will play tennis or volleyball with me.||I don’t want a guy whose idea of a perfect Sunday is sitting on the couch watching TV.|
|I want a guy who is liberal.||I don’t want a guy who will not love my gay brother or accept his decision to get married and have kids.|
|I want a guy that makes good money.||I don’t want to worry about having enough money to send my kids to private college someday.|
|I want a guy that is sociable and outgoing.||I don’t want a guy who will never go to game nights when my friend hosts people over.|
|I want a guy who is physically fit.||I don’t want a guy who is overweight and unhealthy, who will be unable to go on hikes with me when I am 50 years old.|
|I want a guy that loves dancing too.||I don’t want a guy who will refuse to go dancing with me at Johnny’s Hideaway.|
4. Know Your Deal Breakers
I recently had a friend who really liked a guy. The sex was great. He was sweet. He had a fun personality. And like her, he played volleyball.
But he did drugs. Whenever my friend, “Sara,” thought about “John,” I told her, “But remember Sara – he does drugs. That’s a deal breaker.”
Most men are good. Yes, they aren’t perfect, but most men have good intentions and never mean to hurt women. That’s why so many men ghost us. They think it’s less hurtful than breaking up with us women, and less hurtful than telling us they are no longer interested!
When dating, know your deal breakers, and be forgiving of a man’s other qualities.
Here are 3 non-negotiable deal breakers every women should follow:
- No drugs.
- No alcoholics.
- No verbally or physically abusive men.
You have deal breakers when applying for a job too, right? For example, you may be willing to move for a job, but you may NOT be willing to move to Minneapolis because you hate the cold.
Determine what you absolutely cannot be flexible on when it comes to your relationships and the life you want long term.
Figure out what your deal breakers are ahead of time. Write them down! Then, if a man has one of those deal-breakers, as hard as it is – walk away.
After a job interview, you send a polite thank you email, right? You re-iterate why you are interested in the job, and why you’d be a good fit.
After a good date with a guy, a guy NEEDS to know that you'll say yes to a second date.
Many confident, smart, amazing guys won’t ask a girl on a second date UNLESS they get the follow-up thank you text from a woman.
Even if the chemistry was stellar, even if the girl was obviously interested, and even if he liked the girl – he STILL needs that thank you, follow-up text. So go ahead and send the follow-up thank you text.
6. Tell Everyone You Are On the Dating Market
When applying to a job, MANY people get jobs through their friends and personal connections, so do the same with dating!
Tell everyone you are single and looking for a man. You never know who will know someone.
7. Be Open at First – and Give Everyone (Mostly) Two Dates
Unless a guy is absolutely horrible, give him a second date. It’s really hard to get a feel of what someone is like within 1-2 hours.
- He might be having an off day.
- He could be nervous.
- He could be tired, or sick, or distracted about work things.
- He could just not be super charming, but a solid guy that takes some time to warm up.
So I give most guys two dates.
8. Trust Your Gut While Dating
Don't ignore your gut.
Trust your gut ladies!!
- If you are excited about a guy, that’s a good sign.
- If you find yourself looking forward to seeing a guy, that’s a good sign.
- If you enjoy spending time with a guy, that’s a good sign.
So what if he isn’t anything like the man you imagined you’d be with? Go with your gut!
In love and dating, gut beats logical, rational thought.
9. Keep Your Dating Profile Updated
You update your resume before applying to a job, so do the same with your dating profile.
- Did you used to go hiking every weekend, but are now into volleyball?
- Did you used to be really into salsa dancing, but are now into swing dancing?
Update your profile to reflect the you, as of you are today!
10. Keep Dating Until Things Are Official
When applying for a job, an offer isn’t official until you have received the offer in writing. A verbal offer doesn’t cut it. You need the paperwork in hand, and signed. Until that point, you continue looking for jobs.
The same goes with dating. Until a guy asks you to be his boyfriend, and you say yes, you aren’t official.
Before you are official, he is free to date other women, sleep with other women, and do whatever he wants.
The same is true for you ladies. Until a man if your boyfriend, you are just dating. So keep on dating other men until you two are official.
11. Be Patient
Sometimes, paperwork for the official job offer can take a long time to get through the HR process at a company.
The same is true for dating.
- Some men will talk to you for one day, ask you out right away, and be dating you seriously within a month.
- Some men take more time. It may even take some men 8+ dates before they make a move to kiss you!
So be patient with dating. Some men move fast and others move slowly.
12. Keep Your Connections Open
Even if a company declines you for an opportunity, it’s wise to thank the hiring manager and to stay connected with HR.
Just because a company doesn’t have a role that’s a good fit for you now doesn’t mean they will never have an opportunity for you.
So how does this apply to dating? Keep the door open!
Stay connected with a guy if we went on 3-5 dates and we could be friends.
You could say, “Hey! You should come to one of my game nights sometime. What’s your last name? I’ll add you on Facebook so I can send you the invite!”
Many guys are happy to accept an invite to be sociable.
Also, dating is all about luck and timing. Now might not be a good time for you and a guy, but that might not always be the case.
13. Approach Each Date as a Learning Opportunity
When applying to jobs, you should treat an interview as an opportunity to learn as much as you can about the position and the company.
The same applies for dating. See each date as a learning opportunity!
Everyone has a story.
- Even if a guy is absolutely boring as fuck, maybe he has traveled somewhere cool, and you can get travel tips.
- Or maybe he works in IT with motherboards. Know anything about motherboards? Not me…so ask him all about his job and what he does!
Find something interesting about what the guy did or has done, and learn something new.
14. Don’t Limit Yourself to One Dating Site
When applying to jobs, you probably use LinkedIn, Indeed, connections, and your college’s career website. When searching for Mr. Right, use multiple sites!
So try all the dating sites. Or at least try Hinge and Bumble. Those are the two best sites (as of writing this article in 2021).
15. Don’t Take Rejection Personally
When applying to jobs, you will get rejected…a LOT.
- Sometimes companies are hiring internal candidates, but must post the job externally.
- Sometimes the job is already taken, but the post is still open.
- Sometimes the hiring manager doesn’t even need to fill the position, but has it posted in case business picks up and they need someone.
Whatever the reason, it may have anything to do with you.
The same is true for dating. It’s not you!
So be genuine and be yourself.
If a guy doesn’t ask you on a second date, there could be dozens of reasons. All of which are completely unrelated to you.
- Maybe he has a girlfriend, but they are long distance and he’s testing the waters.
- Maybe he wants a woman who will stay home and raise the kids, while he works 60 hours a week, brings home money for the family, and can spend the weekends doing his own thing with his buddies vs. spending quality time with a woman like you.
- Maybe he doesn’t want a woman who is super outgoing. I actually had a successful, consultant, MBA guy tell me I was too outgoing and sociable for him. (And all I had done was suggest bowling mid-week instead of another dinner date!)
Who knows…! Whatever the reason, you aren’t doing anything wrong.
And Most Important of All! Be Positive Learn from the Experience
It can be hard to stay optimistic and to keep applying to jobs after receiving rejection emails. But you keep at it, right? You learn from each experience, and move on.
The same goes with dating. Things don’t work out. Time is wasted. Frustrations occur.
Learn from each experience.
As you date men, write down what you like and don't like about them. You'll see trends in your journal and learn what you REALLY value in a relationship.
PS – Want to look extra sexy on your next date? Check the top blushes for women with blonde hair. Nothing like rosy cheeks to make you look warm and attractive!